Friday, December 26, 2008

Saying Good Bye To My Father

Christmas day was a wonderful day in my house. The kids had a ball playing with all their toys. My nieces got what they wanted from Santa. And I was tickled pink that my husband got me all the things I asked for.

Then this morning my mother called me. She called to tell me my father passed away last night. And all the feelings I have been stuffing inside for the last 8 yrs, flooded to the top. And I cried like I haven't in years.

You see I have been harboring lots of anger for my father. When I was 8 yrs old my parents divorced. And at 11 yrs my mother remarried. And this is when my father decided to walk out of our lives. I did not see or hear from my father for the next five years. During the years he was out of my life I endured being molested by my step father. He took a new wife and family also. Then when I was 19 yrs old I fell in love with his oldest son by his new wife, and we married. And for about 6 yrs I had the opportunity to be apart of my fathers life again. And he got to know my son. But I never spoke up about the pain I went through during his absence. I continued to hide it. Eventually, I divorced my first husband and moved on with my life. And for awhile I avoided my father and his new family because of the connection to my ex husband. But I did go back. And I would visit from time to time. Until one day when we had a falling out about my ex-husband. I felt as though he was choosing them over his flesh and blood. And I left and never went back. He continued to have a relationship with my sister and her children through all these years. But I was never included in his life.

So, I am sitting here confused as all hell today. Because I don't understand why my heart is in such pain. And why the tears are flowing like a river. But I am sure the days that follow will be painful. For I will have to face issues, people and emotions, that I have denied for far too long.

So, for now I will say a prayer for his wife and the members of her family. And I will dry my tears, for my life will go on. There are tasks to be done today. And even though I wish I could crawl into a hole somewhere and hide from the things ahead. For today my life must go on.


Cashmere said...

I am so sorry to hear about your dad's death.. No matter what happened, he is after all your dad & I think no matter how much you hate your dad, I think you still have this love deep down inside..

I hope you'll forgive yourself and him for everything that's been done and I hope you'll look at life in a different way now.. Like you said, life has to go on.. I really hope you'll feel better soon.. :)

PJ said...

may he rest in peace and may you hold the happy memories in your heart always

Rhonda said...

I'm so sorry to hear about he loss of your father. Sending you lots of hugs and peaceful thoughts as you deal with the loss.

Rita T. said...

This is tough....praying for you today.

flit said...

I am so sorry for your loss

FromThe Creek said...

It is almost as if I am reading about my own life here...only it was my step-father that died. Dear friend, know that all will be well one day.

I have struggled with issues like this for most of my life and I am here to tell you that it has gotten better for me these past few years.

I will keep you in my prayers.