Christmas day was a wonderful day in my house. The kids had a ball playing with all their toys. My nieces got what they wanted from Santa. And I was tickled pink that my husband got me all the things I asked for.
Then this morning my mother called me. She called to tell me my father passed away last night. And all the feelings I have been stuffing inside for the last 8 yrs, flooded to the top. And I cried like I haven't in years.
You see I have been harboring lots of anger for my father. When I was 8 yrs old my parents divorced. And at 11 yrs my mother remarried. And this is when my father decided to walk out of our lives. I did not see or hear from my father for the next five years. During the years he was out of my life I endured being molested by my step father. He took a new wife and family also. Then when I was 19 yrs old I fell in love with his oldest son by his new wife, and we married. And for about 6 yrs I had the opportunity to be apart of my fathers life again. And he got to know my son. But I never spoke up about the pain I went through during his absence. I continued to hide it. Eventually, I divorced my first husband and moved on with my life. And for awhile I avoided my father and his new family because of the connection to my ex husband. But I did go back. And I would visit from time to time. Until one day when we had a falling out about my ex-husband. I felt as though he was choosing them over his flesh and blood. And I left and never went back. He continued to have a relationship with my sister and her children through all these years. But I was never included in his life.
So, I am sitting here confused as all hell today. Because I don't understand why my heart is in such pain. And why the tears are flowing like a river. But I am sure the days that follow will be painful. For I will have to face issues, people and emotions, that I have denied for far too long.
So, for now I will say a prayer for his wife and the members of her family. And I will dry my tears, for my life will go on. There are tasks to be done today. And even though I wish I could crawl into a hole somewhere and hide from the things ahead. For today my life must go on.