Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Watching Your Dreams Die When Raising A Family

I had a chance to step out of my normal routine today and attend a union meeting for my job. While the meeting was wrapping up, I had a chance to chat with our national rep. As we were chatting, I had stepped out of the moment, and drifted down memory lane. The conversation was about raising 7 children. And about what a full time job it is. And I found myself wishing I could be in her shoes. All the traveling, meeting new people, going exciting places and breaking from the same old ho hum kind of day.

While going down memory lane I remembered a sort of bucket list I had made for myself a long time ago. The list was filled with all the things I wanted to accomplish before I was old. I can laugh about it now, because my idea of old was 40. But it seems like every year the list gets more worn and yet nothing ever gets crossed off. And I caught myself tonight saying " I always hold down the fort at home, while my husband is off on adventures for the union or his job." I can't believe that those words came out of my mouth. At what point did I raise the white flag and surrender my dreams in favor of watching my husband have all the fun and adventure that was meant for me. Perhaps it's the mother in me taking the reins and saying that my day will come eventually. But, just maybe I am not willing to fade quietly into the background. To become invisible to all but my family. And that is kind of where I am standing right now. I feel like I am invisible. I want to see some of my dreams come to pass. To be able to tell my grandchildren about all the exciting things I accomplished in my life. I would like to think that I am not alone in my quest to maintain some sense of my dreams, but I am not so sure. Because right now I feel so alone!!!


searchingwithin said...

It's funny how we can feel so alone when we are surrounded by people. I could not imagine having a family of this size. You have a lot to commend yourself for.

Anonymous said...

Well as a mother of 5 sons, I can relate to some of what you're going through. Sometimes I think I'm invisible too and I'm not really sure "who I am".

Then I think about all the times my kids help me out around the house, want to help cook dinner (espcially grilling, there's just something about boys and fire:)) and offer to get me something to drink etc...

Even though "I" know they could manage without me, I know they don't think that. So somehow it makes me feel better knowing that not only do they need me, they would miss me if I weren't there.

The way I see it, all the adventures I want to tell my grandkids about are the one's I went on with their parents. Once my kids are grown I can tell my grandkids about all the adventures their grandpa and I went on and knowing my husband like I do, there will be plenty. Plus there will be plenty of adventures to go on and memories to make with all the grandkids we'll be having.

Vanessa Vents said...

Even people without kids or even a marriage can have the same thing happen--somehow they don't get to live their dreams. You can be thankful that you have a great family. Image what it would be like without them and still unfulfilled.